Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Big Mess

I'm hiding today. Hiding on my blog so I can pretend that there isn't a big mess on every surface I see away from my computer screen. There are also big messes on all the proverbial surfaces, too.

My fitness is a mess, I am genuinely annoyed at how hard I have to work to get rid of 10 pounds and how quickly and easily they sneak back.

My emotions are a mess. I went out to lunch with, and then hugged and said goodbye to, a very dear friend and realized it was the first of a lot of difficult goodbyes I have looming in the next few days. I can't even think about it without crying.

My finances are a mess. What a can of worms (more like a barrel of snakes), let's not even go there.

My spirit feels like a mess. I am striving to read my scriptures each morning and start the day with a smile and it literally takes 2 minutes before I'm barking at the kids and setting the perfect example of all the things I DON'T want them to be.

My parenting is a mess. Lately I am such a wad of inconsistencies and short-tempered selfishness that I can only hope my kids aren't paying attention, although doing just that is something they get in trouble for. There's no way for any of us to win.

And clearly, my attitude is a mess.


I'm so happy and excited to embark on our big adventure and to have my little family together again, don't get me wrong. It's just that these past few days have been more difficult than I can manage because of all my inner turmoil (and outer turmoil, I'm not gonna lie. I HATE packing).

I have developed this bad attitude, too. I have always tried hard to see the blessings hidden amidst my trials. For some reason these days all I can see is the trials amidst my blessings. Sure I get to move to this great location close to so many awesome historical sites, have a cute little house that the military is paying for, have a better paycheck, be in the Washington DC temple district, get to try a whole new lifestyle, get my honey and father of my children back... You'd think I'd be thrilled. Instead I'm just upset, and I don't even know what about.

*another sigh*

I have always noticed that when I am on the verge of doing something very important that is right for me, Satan works extra hard to keep me from getting there. And with my great job of driving the spirit away with my anger and faithless whining, I am as good as inviting that negative influence into my life.

My friend and I were talking over lunch today about some of our funny parenting stories, and we discussed the habit we all have of asking our kids, "Why did you do that?" (You dumped Fruity Pebbles all over the carpet and DANCED on them?! WHY?!?) In the parenting class Lee and I taught in Rexburg, the manual specifically said not to do that, because there is really no satisfactory answer the child can provide.

But I am not a child- I am a grown woman who is accountable for her actions, and I can't help but ask that question of myself. WHY I am acting and feeling this way? Not surprisingly, there is no satisfactory short answer.

Before anyone reading this decides that I am losing it, don't worry. Normally I do better than I have been doing lately, and I know with divine help I can find my way back. So here's what I have been repeating and seeing over and over in my head the last couple of days:

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

Sometimes from the mud at the bottom of the trenches it's hard to see. But I know that if I just keep climbing and keep trying, at some point I'll be able to look back and see more clearly. And if there's one thing I know how to do, it's how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I never thought it would be easy, and I know it will be worth it.

Time to go work on my messes.


Marianne said...

I love you. And I don't care if you live in Rexburg or Leesburg (clever, that...), I will still love you, and I'll come visit you. And I KNOW you can do this. I did it, and I can't do anything!! So if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!!


Patty Ann said...

I think that change is one of the hardest things we are ever asked to do. Even if it is good for us, it is still change and it is SCARY! Just know that this too shall pass away. You will soon be where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing, and it WILL be alright.

Karen said...

Mel--It breaks my heart that I can't physically be there to DO something to help. So I'm here thinking about you and praying for you. That's all I can contribute from here but at least it's something!

Let's get together SOME time this summer since we'll be in the same timezone again! :)

Marianne said...

Did you like it how I yelled at my kids in the parking lot of McDonald's? Yeah...speaking of great parenting...
Be good to yourself, Mel. Moving always invokes a HUGE amount of stress. Let alone when you are basically doing it by yourself with two kids across the country.
I love you!

Jake and Laura Eames said...

Thank you for this post! I am not moving far away like you but I am just starting my hubby in school at the age of 31 and all because of the economy and not being able to stay with one job. I can totally relate to how you feel. We know we are doing the right thing but it seems that the closer we get to starting the harder satan works on us! So Thank you for your uplifting words! Good luck on your move and all that comes with it!